Truth

Currently Listening Straylight Run By Straylight Run see related

I'm starting to realize how much I've changed.  Which is a good thing, believe me.

The face of my faith is hardly recognizable, which is to be expected in my opinion.  This isn't to be confused with *losing* faith--as that's hardly the case.  (Funny how most people just assume that.)  In fact, I think it has become so much larger in a way.  My faith is just so much more personal than it used to be--and thus, more personalized.  And I'm perfectly okay admitting that.  I go to Mass every Sunday still (for now), fully participate in the band there at Newman and try to connect with as many people there as I can, but I have no idea where I'll be in the scheme of Catholicism post-Newman.  Not every priest is like Fr. Bill, so embracing of other views, so mindful of what it actually means to be a catholic (with a little 'c,' yes).

Slay me if you want, but I honestly hesitate to refer to myself as "Christian" anymore or to put myself in that box.  I used to proclaim it proudly, and though I still believe and respect many of the ideas involved in it, I typically prefer to place myself under the umbrella of a mere believer in God--whatever God is and represents to us all...to any of us.  I believe in love, life, respect, people, and all the energy that connects us to the world around us--that God is the stuff keeping us together.  But beyond that, the shape of God changes everyday for me.  And you know what?  I'm okay with that.  He represents Someone personal when I need to see Him that way.  Other days, I rejoice merely at being alive and to have breath in my lungs--celebrating God as the life around me, even the space between.

Fr. Bill's words tend to resonate with me on so many levels, which makes him a wonderful friend and confidant, but I know I will be hard-pressed to find someone like that again when he is gone one day.  He's cool with me being me and letting my faith fit to my heart and my desire to serve others in any capacity I can, and I wish there were more people like him.  Or at least, more people unafraid to be bold.

I was recently inspired by someone who means a great deal to me in my life--indirectly and perhaps even unintentionally, but the words were the exact jostle I needed.

I've been holding back in life.

People used to see me as someone audacious, unafraid to jump in and learn and question.  But fear of judgment has often gotten in the way, especially in the recent months, of being bold.  Deep down, I am someone with very strong opinions.  I'm passionate and open and love leading.  However, after a couple shocks to the system and to my ego, I found myself dipping from the confidence level to match and sustain.  But after today and a good talk with Fr. Bill, I have a plan that is bound to pull that back out of me.

No more holding back.  Just real.  I've crossed the threshold and there's no turning back now.  I don't think I'd want to if I could try.  Instead, I want to dare to dive in and dream and follow through with my dreams.  I want to teach at the highest level I can, and I want to do a damn good job of it.

I need to stop beating myself up, or assuming that anything going wrong in the world around me is somehow my fault.  In a sense, I need to give myself a little bit more credit, really.  I put others above myself, setting their hurts and desires ahead of my own whenever possible.  In turn, I end up turning to masochistic measures as a way to end pain for others.  I know there are other ways--more effective ways, at that.

My current project is to actually dip into the grooves I'm finding in life, instead of fearing my commitment and choices.  If I want to do something, I need to follow through, and be confident in my work in the process.  Take charge of life again, and encourage others to do the same.  (Now, granted, I understand that certain things are not within our realm of control as humans, but we can at least control how we react and what actions we take, too.)

I'm tired of apologizing all the time, and I know others are, as well, so why do I do it?  Clearly if someone doesn't like me, apologizing won't fix it anyway.  So that's another part of the process.

This isn't all to say that I don't think it's necessary to be a quiet leader now and then.  Within my grad classes, we have tons of amazing leaders and we all need to contribute to the balance and not overshadow the others.  But perhaps with a better economy of words, a better attitude and tapping back into the self-confidence well a bit more, I can finally fully step into that person I should be right now.  The person that's ready to take on anything.

I'm sure that all sounds gloriously nonspecific and impossible, but it works for me at least.  It's time to channel the passion.

When the sun came up,
We were sleeping in,
Sunk inside our blankets,
Sprawled across the bed,
And we were dreaming,

There are moments when,
When I know it and
The world revolves around us,
And we're keeping it,
Keep it all going,
This delicate balance,
Vulnerable all knowing,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, kill for this
You would, you would...

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key
Sing me anything,

We're glad for what we've got,
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out right in front of us,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, you would....

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything.

-Straylight Run

[I'm preparing to be wrong.  I'm preparing to be right.  But regardless, I'll strive for growth all the same.]