Current mood:

restless

Stretched Out.
So easy it is to incorporate what one does or has accomplished into whom one sees him or herself to be.  And, in turn, so easy it is for failure to detract from the same self-perception.  However, what the one in this trap often forgets is that, once this game of scale-tipping is over and the self has moved on to a new front, the aforementioned values are of little to no consequence.  While legacies may or may not live on, it is the character formed which continues to the next stage.  Actions, once done, merely lead to other actions and steps not taken are still left undone or happened upon by others along the way. 

As a society so focused on building resumes and respect, it is completely understandable (if not expected) that we come to give such credence to accomplishments (whether or not they are shrouded by a veil of humbleness). 
In the academic world, especially in a more rigorous environment of the "highly selective liberal arts university," professors build up students and instill confidence in the gifts they bring to the world.  And I think that is perfectly wonderful.  However, this praise, at times, can get to be overshadowed by apparent inflation from one's familiar circle, especially when it comes time to move out into the real world.  It's a lesson we learn coming from high school, and again one we learn coming from college--especially institutions which consider themselves to hold some amount prestige.

This isn't to demean the sorts of activities in which students might participate or the various awards or points of recognition one might earn, but I think it's something to keep in perspective, myself included.  Within the world of academia, these points bring clout, but in the real world, experience seems to be the real ticket.  You want to know one of my biggest fears?  That in my strivings to be a well-rounded human being in the educational/etc. sense, I cut myself off from actual positions because I haven't plugged my theories into enough experiences applicable to the real world.  Granted, I try to keep a balance, but there is some bit of truth in wondering if continuing oodles of education might make one seem to be overqualified for a position that is actually quite ideal (say...the extreme example of a person holding their doctorate wanting to be an average Joe high school teacher).  Just something I think about.

With graduation coming up and the acquisition of my various "honor cords" from honor organizations, I find myself taking up these bands of colors and handing off not only responsibility but a bit of my "identity" as well--or at least, what I have crafted to be my identity.  And while my more time-consuming/current activities don't provide "honors" in the academic sense, I find stepping down from these various positions to be quite a struggle for me.  Take Newman for instance (and granted, I did a lot more in the past three years than I did this year...since there wasn't always much more to do than "advise"/aka chuck in an opinion here or there based on past approaches, and I'm pretty sure that was only needed in the first semester):  I've gone from leading the co-ed fellowship group for two years to leading the praise band and running all sorts of large-scale events (from Freshman Week to Newman Week and everything in between) to "advising" or whatever...and now, basically nothing for next year as a grad student.  It's just weird.  I know it's how it goes, but honestly, it was a lot harder to hand off all these things than I thought it would be.  Newman became such a large part of me and since I've been a little older and a little busier, it became harder and harder for me to be able to connect so much, but I figure that's natural.  But it's time to pass off the baton.

No longer in real position of leadership for next year, having been an officer at some point in more organizations than I care to count, I often now look in the mirror, struggling to truly see my next step in life and who I "really" am, and just wonder what God has in store for me next.  (And, believe me, I feel really silly wondering about this, as I know how people at Truman see me or people at Newman see me isn't "who" I am by definition.)  For now, all I have is seeing through my goals, one by one, and just hoping and praying that one or more of them carry me through to the next phase.  I have faith it'll all work out in the end.

This past Sunday at Mass, Fr. Bill spoke of the pain of endings and new beginnings.  How can I stretch myself to grow when I feel like I've been "stretched out" in so many directions??  Perhaps this summer will be a chance for me to grow into my new shape and size--to take the elasticity of my hope and experiences and see where what form they take next.

To be honest, I'm ready to be through with Kirksville, but I'm going to see through at least part of what I've started in terms of graduate explorations (the rest, God only knows).  I've gotten to the point where I have so many nice acquaintances, and a rather large chunk of people I wish to spend much more time with than I have, but I let myself get stressed and consumed by what I thought I was meant to do this year (which had elements of being the right and wrong choice written all over it), and let a lot of my friendships slide...friendships I had come to really enjoy as of the Fall, etc.  And perhaps this was for a reason, but I know I should at least savor what time is left--especially with the peers that will be leaving soon.  To be honest, I am a little afraid of what next year will be like, with most of my closest friends spreading out across the map (but thank goodness, a small chunk of that category will still remain). 

I tell ya, I can get so caught up in small points of the present and large concerns of the future--need to grasp that balance.  In retrospect, I'm sure I learned a lot from this year, but at the moment, I'm not seeing a lot of the fruits.  In time, however, I'm sure many of the lessons will spring forth, as I know they are there.  Perhaps my perception is just clouded or stretched to a point which is skewed, so an early June visit to Florida surely won't hurt too terribly much.  I have a feeling that my mind could definitely use a bit of a break though, for if my dreams are any indication of my mind's current state, my life is in definite search of some clear paths or guidelines.  Ironically, Im not one that likes following a path; instead I create my own.  So perhaps when it comes to disappointment, I should take it as a challenge.  Where there is a will, there is a way, so they say...and so long as I believe and persevere, I know I'm bound to stumble upon fulfillment in time.  For now, however, I think theres enough opportunities for grace, challenge and growth around me.

Enough randomness for one night...back to work.