Date:	2009-12-13 12:42
Subject:	Some music for your ears
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic

Currently Orphans Preferred: The Twisted Truth and Lasting Legend of the Pony Express By Christopher Corbett see related

Date:	2009-12-09 11:02
Subject:	From Rain to Snowfall...
Security:	Public
Mood:	relaxed

Date:	2009-11-12 01:22
Subject:	Take Two/Piano Variations
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited

So, what's DJ's new venture in music these days?  Jazz piano!  About time, huh? 

It shall be an interesting learning experience.  I love jazz but have NEVER had a knack for it.  Thinking I'm even going to try out for a jazz combo so I can *really* learn during my last real semester of grad school!  We'll see if they take me--my technique has surely gone out the window a bit!

However, after checking out a good number of jazz music scores from the library, and running through all the various 7th/diminished chords progression, I figured, what the heck, let's try that "Demons" song on the piano.

Hardly jazz, but a nice release all the same.

So here's a take two on last song from campus music building last night...I sadly didn't have an external mic with me, so there all kinds of fun/funky things going on with this one.  (I tried to remove the noise as much as I could, but ended up just making it sound underwater, whoops.  But almost like some fun reverb effect, right? )

*Note:  please excuse the couple little flub-ups on the key'age and tone/words.  The song still needs a little more to hook/spice it up, so maybe I'll have another go at it over Thanksgiving.  But here goes for now!  Any advice welcome (seriously):

Date:	2009-11-06 02:37
Subject:	A Little Late-Night Diddly
Security:	Public
Mood:	relaxed

Currently The Norton Field Guide to Writing (Second Edition with 2009 MLA Updates) By Richard Bullock see related

Currently On Golden Pond (Special Edition) By Katharine Hepburn, Henry Fonda, Jane Fonda, Doug McKeon, Dabney Coleman see related

Over the course of this semester, I've gotten to work on a fair number of creative writing pieces:  a couple plays, a fictional story or two, lots of creative non-fiction (CNF) with heavy emphasis on the "creative," and, finally, a series of short stories surrounding a state park near the small town in which I've resided for the last 5 1/2 years.

Among all of my writing, the stories which surround said town are, by far, my favorites.

I think I should do a bit more writing about that quaint place--the particularly noteworthy and unknown spots, sure, but really, the people, the interactions, the memorable quirks that make that odd little location my home away from "home" (at least in the "born and raised" sense).  The fact that the owner of my favorite antique store owner will stop and talk to me for ten minutes, or that the little old ladies at Hallmark will try with all their might (not once but six times) to key in my rewards points, even though they have not the faintest understanding of technology.  The fact that I run into my graduate professors at Hy-Vee late at night and we strike up a great conversation or that strangers in the park will want to talk about absolutely nothing for a half hour, just because you were there.  That even despite locks and regulations, certain little "back ways" are always left open by mistake, letting me savor my favorite places at all hours.

For the longest time, even as little as a year and a half ago, I mocked their motto, "Where People Make the Difference," but now that I've spent as much time there as I have, it stops and makes me smile...for different reasons.  Reasons that make me want to dive in and savor every second...wherever I am.

Living in that town has even helped me come to appreciate various bits of my own hometown--things I'm sure I would have come to appreciate over the years, but it was an appreciation expedited all the more by the influence of that quaint life.  An overlooked life that not everyone chooses to experience.  Some (not all) get in, get their degrees, and leave, really immersing themselves into the town maybe once, twice a year for a festival or two, a visit to the park with an organization for a BBQ...while most think of immersion as making fun of the townies at Wal-Mart now and then, the drunk old farts who hang about the bars and restaurants when we feel stepping into their territory.

And not that I haven't done those things as well...my various affiliations have taught me much about that place, thank goodness.  They've at least opened my eyes now and then (and increasingly more and more) to the different sorts of people who live there by choice or out of abandonment, the sorts of people who feel that they are there because there's no where else to go...or nowhere else worth living.  Such different worlds the people live in who reside there, all within the same place.  Often, depending on their vantage point, they shake their heads because they either feel unnoticed or feel that their home goes unnoticed.  A woman, aged 101 who cries in her nursing home room because her family has left her in that town forgotten, a conservationist who scoffs at the number of people who pollute her watch area, just because they don't take the few extra steps to use the extra trash can she set out.  But either way, if one really opens their eyes, he or she can see a group of people trying their best to make their home a place that's real.  A Chamber of Commerce group trying to enliven the downtown square with concerts, bars which try to cater to the young visiting undergrads, stores which stay open extra hours with a smile for students who don't pay attention or notice the closing signs.

Not that anyone from said place will ever read this, but before I get swept away into my own hometown world, before I get a chance to get swept up in the homework of my return, I want to say thank you--thank you to that little town, and the people in it affecting me in such varying amounts with permanence.  Because I've noticed, noticed a little place and groupings within it that will always be on my heart, well-planted within it.  And though I know I'm meant to move away (to God knows where) one day, I smile at the thought that you still have more to teach me.  More to show me, as my friends move away and the academics hand me more high-order Literature to read, seemingly unattainable goals to reach, and so forth.  But, whether or not I ever say it again, I appreciate you, treasure you...even, love you, deep down.  You may not be the only place to affect me, but you're definitely the first to come to mind as of late. 

Perhaps some of you readers who know the place I'm talking about share different (or opposite sentiments), but do any of you have intriguing stories to share about a people and a place that has impacted you?  Be it about the same little town or someplace halfway across world...

Date:	2008-12-18 06:27
Subject:	Insomni*ACK! Breaking out of the self-imposed graveyard shift...
Security:	Public
Mood:	awake
Music:	Pandora (Christmas, Swing/Jazz style)

Currently The Trouble with Angels By Rosalind Russell, Binnie Barnes, Camilla Sparv, Mary Wickes, Marge Redmond see related

Date:	2008-12-01 06:01
Subject:	Thanksgiving: An excuse to be thankful for Christmas...early!
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy
Music:	Vince Guaraldi Trio - The Christmas Song

 

Currently Eloise at Christmastime By Julie Andrews, Sofia Vassilieva, Kenneth Welsh, Debra Monk, Gavin Creel see related

For the record, I can't even begin to communicate how strange my life is these days. I'm stumbling upon enough material to generate an almost excellent B-movie script, or at the very least, a film fit for the Lifetime Movie Network.

On the other hand, maybe it's just that most people I know are simultaneously losing their minds in coincidental conjunction to the downfall of the American economy. Either way, it's enough to keep one up at night, despite embracing the likes of sleep aids such as Ambien. (Did you know that if you can manage to stay awake past the initial couple hours, you can pull a convincing portrayal of Westley's mostly-dead limbs scene from The Princess Bride? Si, friends, though I don't necessarily recommend it.)

Last night, I was cursed--errr, blessed--enough to happen upon the likes of radio personality Delilah not once, but THREE times over the course of my drive back to my dear alma mater and now-graduate school campus. Never have I been more overjoyed to find myself listening to 80s swoony Christmas beats and recipes I'd never even make for the bully at St. Francis Elementary. And seriously? Who would ever dedicate Elvis Presley's "Blue Christmas" to his wife? That's just poor taste, friends.

Speaking of poor taste...I know I'm definitely not the first to mention the event in a blog-esque atmosphere, but I, too, cannot seem get over the Toys 'R Us gun-fight incident (or at least dismiss it without some comment)...as well as any of the unfortunate Black Friday mishaps this year around. Rumors of gang influences aside, I still think some parents watched this commercial one time too many back in the 80s, never letting the Peter Pan mentality escape them (disturbing when you think about determined shopper mentalities these days, really...though this commercial also seems to scream child molesters, eww):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8HMSf4O2FM ...During my aforementioned Delilah overdose, I was surprised to actually encounter TWO Toys 'R Us Jingles over the radio waves. In fact, by the end of the night, I had almost convinced myself that THIS was how it all went down in Palm Desert, based on the sudden cheery presence of said radio ads:
 
(Sad that wasn't really the way things worked, but maybe next year?)

Man, when I was a young sprite, moms used to just elbow each other for Cabbage Patch Kids or slipped their children a pack of gun to sneak ahead in the Beanie Baby lines, but real, actual violence? Never. I miss those days, in all seriousness, the days when Americans took pride in their poison-laden Asian plastic wares and didn't ask questions. Are people just more nuts now or are the toys just all the better? Who knows, really. (Then again, maybe the lead just finally got to us?)

Thankfully, my parents aren't all into that "Black Friday" scene anymore (like my Dad ever was?). Instead, my mother obsesses about transforming our home into a winter wonderland/Christmas paradise. The tradition carries far into the weekend, trees emerging in every room, lights and greenery and beloved Santas appearing right and left. And my job enlistment was simple thus far: decorate the "kid" tree. (Yes, there are now so many ornaments that my mother has designated rooms for the various genres therein. Sounds crazy, but when you have as many relatives over for Christmas Eve as we do, the extra Christmas cheer definitely comes in handy. Then again, her father did decorate store-shop windows for a living, so it's a bit of a way to carry on Grandpa B.'s love in a sense.)

Now, granted, I was decently proud of my tree in the dining room, but was it worth multiple praises from my mother? Here is the preliminary result, prior to proper dressing at its base, etc.:
 

I mean, truthfully, I got more pats on the back consecutively for that tree from my mother than when I earned two bachelors degrees. Oh well, I'm sure she was just grateful to have the help? But really, besides loading down the same branches with multiple ornaments or leaving one side completely bare/uneven, is it actually possible to mess up a Christmas tree? I guess it's one of those questions to which I'll never really know the answer. (Nah, I take that back...I seem to recall actually seeing some pretty terrible Christmas tree decorating jobs done in my day...)

Mom's tree was pretty lovely though, I do have to say...although I did recommend and find said ornaments which did ultimately make the final cut, heh (perhaps I should just quit school and decorate trees for a living?):
 

Christmas decorations aside, I greatly look forward to the upcoming holiday. Armed with the goods and tools to prepare a number of Christmas treats and chipping away at my purchasing lists, the snow outside my window is enough to keep my spirits floating me through these last two weeks of the semester. (I can already taste the mulled cider and Christmas candies, so that helps, too.) My treasured Pandora Jazz Holidays Station (highly recommend if such fits your taste) will also be an immense asset during those especially late nights yet to be had, especially when it plays almost exclusively Vince Guaraldi Trio bits from "Charlie Brown's Holiday Hits" (Oh, you know you love it!). 

And if nothing else, I get to look forward to my supposed first exposure to an illustrious "Turducken," courtesy of my cousin Matt's lovely new wife. Has anyone ever had one? Should I be excited for totally afraid? I mean...it's a chicken...inside of a duck...inside of a turkey, which at least thankfully is not THIS (that's a link which tosses BACON into the mix as well, by the way...yeah...).

On that note, I suppose it's time now to go make it a productive day. 11 Days until my beloved month of freedom. Godspeed, friends. Hope you all had savory Thanksgivings.

Date:	2008-11-18 04:48
Subject:	Passing tidbits
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy
Music:	Once Soundtrack (what else?)

Currently Grandma's Boy (+ Digital Copy) By Shirley Jones, Shirley Knight, Abdoulaye N'Gom, Kevin Nealon, Doris Roberts

This entry actually derives from a private October 25th diddly (completed only in terms of #1-6), but I figured I'd add on some additional points before publishing for your viewing pleasure:

1. Perspective is a really crazy thing.  It's amazing just what one can be so sure about in one period of life versus another down the road (replacing "amazing" with words like amusing, disturbing, uncanny, impressive, fitting).  I hate it when other factors of my life fuzz my foresight, and when I let blinders justify going against my first impressions.  But I guess it's always about living and learning.
   
2. So much of life comes down to daily choices.  Every aspect, every choice, has its consequence, small or large.  What we seize or don't seize.  What we choose to say or don't.  How we think, live, grow...or not.  Sometimes it really all is in the details.  Of course, we can't get completely consumed by the small stuff either ("and it's all small stuff" as the story goes), or else we'll go nuts.  However, there is truly something to finding the balance in the everyday..."day by day...by day...by...day."
   
3. Sometimes being an island is necessary.  Walls, coping mechanisms, boundaries...they all serve their purposes.  It's interesting how quick some people are to drop any number of these dividers when individuals are comfortable (myself included), especially when some of these walls actually serve a particular (if not practical) purpose.  It's hard to find the fine balance between being completely engaged in (i.e. inextricably passionate about) one's life and getting completely lost in it...(even losing oneself in it at the extreme).  Do we not, in a sense, let other people/the life we live become who we are, if we let down all of our walls without some sort of distance?  Do you define yourself through the way you are with, or through the eyes of, others...of how you actually see yourself?  (In that sense, empathy can be a dangerous thing when you stop and think about it.  If one takes away everything which separates him or herself from another, what difference is there between Person A and Person B?  What if Person A is seeking counsel from Person B and Person B lets go of the distance necessary to remain objective?)  Interesting stuff to chew on when one has the chance.
   
4. We never have the world quite as figured out as we think.  Sometimes the more I think I know, the less I actually do.  Seems better to always be learning rather than claim the fallibility of expert status. 
   
5. Defining the self based on lifestyle (or much of anything in particular) is a tricky thing.  (Inspired by #3.)  How many times have I heard someone say, "I live my life like [this]," defining him or herself by such an action or trait inherent to said lifestyle?  How many times have I caught myself falling into the same track?  I do [this], so therefore, I must be a [this-er/-ic/-ite/-ete/etc.].  But, if one day we slip up from that pattern, are we still a [fill-in-the-blank-er/-ic/-ite/-ete/etc.]?  It's hard telling.  How quick are we to say that someone else shouldn't be able to claim the same status?  Cannot someone who "puts others before him/herself" also be selfish?  Cannot an athlete be lazy?  An alcoholic sober?  A "Christian" do very "un-Christian" things?  And in terms of applying "terms" to oneself (athlete, alcoholic, Christian, etc.) is there not anything else to that person besides those classifications?  I fear some people never stop to ask...
   
6. Having class for the sake of "having class" is waste of everyone's time.  A waste of teacher, student, parent, taxpaper, etc. time, really.  I hope to never have my lessons fall into this trap...and I despise my college courses which do.
7. Keeping a secret is one thing, but trying to hide life-affecting ones is an entirely different story (especially when one isn't sure there's even much point to the hiding).  Ever find yourself in a spot when you want to shout something to the whole world or at least tell a good friend with a smile, but you're afraid of the consequences of hurting someone else?  I'm evidently someone who tends to find herself in such a position whenever something really great/big unfolds.  Then again, perhaps it's all in my head--that whatever it is that I have to say is going to be all that earth-shattering for someone else (it usually tends to be so not as big of a deal outside of my head).  But why is it I always feel guilty when something good happens?  I'll never forget the time sophomore year when I was the only one of my 3-person dorm room that got into ODK (leadership honor society that met with the University President, etc.)...and I actively participated in the group for a MONTH before I ever breathed a word to Mary and JoAnn, because they didn't get in and I thought it would make them more upset to know I did.  Silly, I know (they were happy for me in the end), but such avoidance has sadly applied to more than one circumstance in my life.  I never mind helping other people in their confrontation struggles, but can never seem to pull it off myself....though this time it really doesn't help that the person I really want/need to talk to is super busy.  Gah, I hate being afraid of hurting people's feelings.  But I suppose friends are usually understanding/supportive (at least eventually), or at least that's my hope/prayer these days.  Sometimes the worst stress/worry is self-imposed (and on that front, I am my own worst enemies).
   
8. Practices can change as faiths are tested.  I don't even know how to practice mine anymore.  I sing, I pray(ish), savor nature, talk to people...talk to Fr. Bill and do the chuch thing.  But it's not the same and still makes me a little sad.  But maybe I should take it as a challenge to see where else I see/feel God?  I wish I could be as cool as Mother Teresa and still keep at things as adamently when I don't "feel" it.
9. Grad School life is so much more like high school than I'd like to admit.  I just hope the real world isn't as well, because it gets so ridiculous sometimes.  (Then again, I laugh at this statement, because here I'm getting certified to teach high school...)  I greatly detest when people act out of spite, especially when it lends to the break-down of a group's higher cause.  Also, academia can be just as jading for people as I feared it could be.  Still determined not to become crass myself.  It's beginning to remind me of the time I started turning my back on medicine when I because disheartened about the people also pursuing the profession.
10. The Golden Rule should be taught with more regularity in pre-school.  So should a lot of other things (being environmentally conscious, socially tolerant/understanding, religiously unassuming, and so on).
    
11. Music (and writing + nature) will forever be what soothes my soul.  I hope I never forget.  And I wish I had more time to devote to such release(s) with others.  Bands (re: the music aspect) have so many variables, however.  Variables which typically lend themselves to great lapses in rehearsing.  Guess that's why one must always rely upon oneself when it comes down to it?
    
12. It's dangerous to put everything on the shoulders of one person (even one's own, despite #11).  Being there for someone is one thing, but putting insane amounts of pressure of said individual is another.  I've been on the giving and the receiving end at various points, and I've decided that neither position is ideal.  I have friends now getting themselves into life or death meddlings and it scares the bejeebus out of me.  People are only meant to handle so much and seeking outside advice/help from someone actually trained in said matters isn't really a terrible thing (though society has painted it as such).
13. I wish people were nicer to those in the food service industry (or any service or non-service capacity for that matter).  People are people and everyone has something to offer, whether or not they have a degree.  (I'm also saying this to remind myself as well.  I'm sure I've been less than friendly on occasion.)
14. When it comes down to it, sometimes there are very few ways to properly convey a given message.  There are 171,476 words in the Oxford English Dictionary (2nd Ed.) currently in use today (minus street slang, obsolete words, and language-crossovers), yet I find myself repeating myself in certain situations way more than I'd prefer.  After a while, I have to stop and ask myself whether trying to find any other ways of communicating the message would even make a difference for certain audiences.  Words serve very little purpose when shot against brick walls.  After a while, actions speak much more effectively (if not louder or with more gusto, as in the case of a cannon).
    
15. Change is exciting.  And it's scary.  Soon I'll have more friends moving on with their lives while I'm still in Kvegas...doing my grad school thing for all of eternity.  I pray this all pays off one day for a very rewarding (or at least worthwhile) career!  I also wish all those preparing for graduation and/or internships the very best of luck and happiness, but hopefully reading it in this forum wouldn't be their first hearing of such.  I'm also pretty excited about changes happening in my own life and can't wait to share as time moves on (see #7).  However, I also have various decisions to make in the meantime.
    
16. Some people have a way of being automatic smile-makers.  Others, smile-breakers.  I wish more people thought about which category they were promoting, and I thank you special people out there who contribute to Category A.
17. One can never be too old to collect stickers.  Or any number of childish things.  I'll hold on to my Beanie Baby collection until I die, hoping they're actually worth something after all the others have mysteriously been burned in random Beanie Baby kidnapping sprees (kidding).  But seriously, stickers = awesome.  Don't even deny it.  I still get excited when I see shiny or fuzzy animal stickers in Hallmark.
    
18. Time is always a'ticking, even when we don't think it is.  Even at night when it feels like the hours are endless, the clock is moving.  Miles add up too (take my Honda, for example--purchased at about 46 or 48,000 miles...and now officially past 100,000).  And even a gray hair or two will transpire (holy crap, what?).
19. And, you know, some lists will never feel quite done.  Much like the lists of books on my shelf to be read, pages of websites to look into, people to talk to and things to complete...they can always keep going, or, they can just pause.  And I think now is as good a time to stop as any, even though I'm sure it irks some of you to have this one end on an odd number. Cliff-hanger? Dun-dun-dun.

Date:	2008-09-29 07:09
Subject:	Early mornings
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful
Music:	See recording

Currently Reading Writing Alone and With Others By Pat Schneider

Been in the mood to play one of my favorite songs, and band practice isn't until Saturday, sooooo...perhaps you'll find it at least amusing, my silly whim.  (Hoping to actually redo it as a group or something eventually, just for kicks.)  I had recorded the piano layer on the baby grand back at home before classes started (hence the iffy start between the instruments), and the guitar part still needs a lot of work, but that's all right.  It's basically just missing the violin, but we'll save that for when I'm REALLY bored, ha.

I recently joined a band with some guy friends here at school, so that's fun.  It's nice to make non-church music once in a while and get to play piano on a more regular basis.  Speaking of violins, they stumbled upon a pretty decent one in an antique shop on the square and found out that I used to halfway know how to play, so you can imagine who's excited for the new bow to come in on Thursday!  I'm sure it will not be a stellar start, but perhaps I can at least teach myself a bit more than I knew back when I was 12 or so...    (Don't worry, I got it checked out by a legit music store and they said it wasn't going to explode when I'm playing or anything, despite being way cheap, so that's uber exciting.)

Life has been interesting as of late.  Plans keep changing.  Situations keep changing.  Classes keep getting more writing intensive and student-run.  Professional conferences are coming right up.  Breaks are approaching, as are weddings (and, consequently, wedding music-playing).

Through it all, I find myself just going with the flow, which is a great challenge in general.  Staying more centered, focused, open.  Having conversations with complete strangers.  Taking photographs.  Reading for fun.  Sleeping.  Running.  Spending time alone and with others.  Trying not to spend very much time on the internet (the summer definitely helped).  Challenging myself to see my faith in new ways, since the old ways keep shedding away like tissue paper.  Walking to places and savoring the sunshine.  Not being so uptight.

People around me (family, friends, etc.) keep worrying about me, which is flattering, but I'm not so sure the energy is well placed.  Sometimes things work out as we hope.  Sometimes they change and grow into new things, like shape-shifting transformers.  And it's all a part of life.  I try my best not to hurt others in the process, but I know I do anyway (which pains me to know), though such is clearly not my intention.  But now I'm really using this time to work on improving me.  Figuring out what it is I want, not just what others want.  In a sense, going back to the cliche bit of "finding myself," not that I ever lost it; not that I don't do enough introspection as it is.  But I'm still working on finding my adult self--who I really want to be as a human being (not just careers--that's basically in place in at least some form).

I don't really expect answers or full resolution, as we're always growing and asking more and more questions.  But at least I'm enjoying asking the questions right now.  Life's not exactly how I imagined it would be right now, but the great majority is pretty grand.  I need to work on being more grateful for what I do have, instead of getting caught in the things I've lost or not received.  The chances I have yet to be able to take.  I know that if they are the right chances, my time will come and I'll get to show the world what I'm made of.  But for now, I write, I observe, I sing, I live, I experiment, I dive in where I can.  I breathe.

Shalom.

Currently Listening Straylight Run By Straylight Run see related

I'm starting to realize how much I've changed.  Which is a good thing, believe me.

The face of my faith is hardly recognizable, which is to be expected in my opinion.  This isn't to be confused with *losing* faith--as that's hardly the case.  (Funny how most people just assume that.)  In fact, I think it has become so much larger in a way.  My faith is just so much more personal than it used to be--and thus, more personalized.  And I'm perfectly okay admitting that.  I go to Mass every Sunday still (for now), fully participate in the band there at Newman and try to connect with as many people there as I can, but I have no idea where I'll be in the scheme of Catholicism post-Newman.  Not every priest is like Fr. Bill, so embracing of other views, so mindful of what it actually means to be a catholic (with a little 'c,' yes).

Slay me if you want, but I honestly hesitate to refer to myself as "Christian" anymore or to put myself in that box.  I used to proclaim it proudly, and though I still believe and respect many of the ideas involved in it, I typically prefer to place myself under the umbrella of a mere believer in God--whatever God is and represents to us all...to any of us.  I believe in love, life, respect, people, and all the energy that connects us to the world around us--that God is the stuff keeping us together.  But beyond that, the shape of God changes everyday for me.  And you know what?  I'm okay with that.  He represents Someone personal when I need to see Him that way.  Other days, I rejoice merely at being alive and to have breath in my lungs--celebrating God as the life around me, even the space between.

Fr. Bill's words tend to resonate with me on so many levels, which makes him a wonderful friend and confidant, but I know I will be hard-pressed to find someone like that again when he is gone one day.  He's cool with me being me and letting my faith fit to my heart and my desire to serve others in any capacity I can, and I wish there were more people like him.  Or at least, more people unafraid to be bold.

I was recently inspired by someone who means a great deal to me in my life--indirectly and perhaps even unintentionally, but the words were the exact jostle I needed.

I've been holding back in life.

People used to see me as someone audacious, unafraid to jump in and learn and question.  But fear of judgment has often gotten in the way, especially in the recent months, of being bold.  Deep down, I am someone with very strong opinions.  I'm passionate and open and love leading.  However, after a couple shocks to the system and to my ego, I found myself dipping from the confidence level to match and sustain.  But after today and a good talk with Fr. Bill, I have a plan that is bound to pull that back out of me.

No more holding back.  Just real.  I've crossed the threshold and there's no turning back now.  I don't think I'd want to if I could try.  Instead, I want to dare to dive in and dream and follow through with my dreams.  I want to teach at the highest level I can, and I want to do a damn good job of it.

I need to stop beating myself up, or assuming that anything going wrong in the world around me is somehow my fault.  In a sense, I need to give myself a little bit more credit, really.  I put others above myself, setting their hurts and desires ahead of my own whenever possible.  In turn, I end up turning to masochistic measures as a way to end pain for others.  I know there are other ways--more effective ways, at that.

My current project is to actually dip into the grooves I'm finding in life, instead of fearing my commitment and choices.  If I want to do something, I need to follow through, and be confident in my work in the process.  Take charge of life again, and encourage others to do the same.  (Now, granted, I understand that certain things are not within our realm of control as humans, but we can at least control how we react and what actions we take, too.)

I'm tired of apologizing all the time, and I know others are, as well, so why do I do it?  Clearly if someone doesn't like me, apologizing won't fix it anyway.  So that's another part of the process.

This isn't all to say that I don't think it's necessary to be a quiet leader now and then.  Within my grad classes, we have tons of amazing leaders and we all need to contribute to the balance and not overshadow the others.  But perhaps with a better economy of words, a better attitude and tapping back into the self-confidence well a bit more, I can finally fully step into that person I should be right now.  The person that's ready to take on anything.

I'm sure that all sounds gloriously nonspecific and impossible, but it works for me at least.  It's time to channel the passion.

When the sun came up,
We were sleeping in,
Sunk inside our blankets,
Sprawled across the bed,
And we were dreaming,

There are moments when,
When I know it and
The world revolves around us,
And we're keeping it,
Keep it all going,
This delicate balance,
Vulnerable all knowing,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, kill for this
You would, you would...

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key
Sing me anything,

We're glad for what we've got,
Done with what we've lost
Our whole lives laid out right in front of us,

Sing like you think no one's listening,
You would kill for this,
Just a little bit,
Just a little bit,
You would, you would....

Sing me something soft,
Sad and delicate,
Or loud and out of key,
Sing me anything.

-Straylight Run

[I'm preparing to be wrong.  I'm preparing to be right.  But regardless, I'll strive for growth all the same.]

Date:	2008-08-23 01:19
Subject:	Ever feel like this guy?
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	Phantom of the Opera Soundtrack - Think of Me

^So, perhaps I was a procrastinating a little this morning by way of Microsoft Paint/Publisher, but hey, it was fun! I was curious about where the phrase "in a pickle" came from after a conversation with Chels, and then had the crazy though: "Wow, that would really suck to *actually* be in a pickle," (in whatever context that would even be possible). But it merely starts back with Shakespeare, should have known.^

Date:	2008-06-17 23:15
Subject:	North, South, East, Midwest: the travelogue of landmarks therein
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

Currently Reading
The Fountainhead
By Ayn Rand, Leonard Peikoff

An annoying long, amazingly humorous, yet touching and thoroughly worth-your-while post
       (...except, maybe not).  Enjoy!


I'm almost looking forward to July, and you know why?

Because I like my pillow and my quilted comforter. 

Yes, really.


Despite having changed my July plans entirely, I think I'd still look forward to the month, just for the mere fact that I'll (almost, with the exception of having to move to a new apartment again) be able to just stay in one place for a while.  Just for the mere fact that I'll not have to live out of a suitcase!  (Yes, Mom, I've cleaned out my drawers and closets and actually trying to USE them for once....Oh, we'll get to the floor at a later date.)  Just for the mere fact that I'll get to play cards with:

   

(Keep in mind that this photo was merely stumbled upon on Facebook by yours truly.  I was more than obliged to tag Sir Daniel Buh-tig and myself for obvious reasons, but that red circle is totally me.  I wouldn't let anyone else take credit for that part.  By the way, we didn't really end up in the last row on purpose.  We really weren't that cool, just almost, but that's a start.  We were totally paying attention to the University President's speech, just not facing in the proper direction.  During Truman's grandson's speech, we were totally facing the front, because he was just cool.  Oh, and did you know that you're not supposed to have parenthetical asides longer than their paragraphical counterparts?  P.S. Xanga, paragraphical is a real word, just for your records.  Moving on...)

Besides waving to friends and family like the fool I was, I also crossed the stage like a fool, cutting off a group of nurses with another B.S./B.A.'er friend in the process (hey, we didn't know they'd announce them the same as us).  However, my favorite part of the day was not getting to have GG (age 99, in case you didn't catch that before) as well as Grandma, my significant other sweetums, little sister (who graciously came to watch me graduate, even though she had lots of important things to do, being a high school senior and all), and parents watch me graduate and take me to the cool Pear Tree restaurant directly following the ceremony.  Instead, it was the following line (roughly recalled by this point) by a random mathematics professor, as shouted to a past student in my proximity during the processional:  "I knew I shouldn't have passed him in College Algebra.  Too late now, I guess."

Following good ol' grad-to-the-uation, I spent a chunk of days in the 'ville with friends after and was able to enjoy a couple more nice conversations with the most excellent, Fr. Bill.  He'll no longer be working with the Edina and Memphis parishes, so no more country music ministering for me for a while (not that I played country music, but I did minister to country folk whom probably did sadly enjoy said genre), but I'm grateful that he won't have to travel so much anymore, given the tolls his health and the rebuilding process have taken on him.  (I hope I'll get to meet up with him at least once this summer...as I was planning to be there all July, which is no longer the case.)

*************************************************************

Landmark #2:  Nazareth Farm Service Trip (Centerpoint, West Virginia -- May 18-24, 2008)

Despite the prior cancellation of this trip (curse indecisive friends, etc.), it panned out (as fate or other would have it?) that I was able to go to Nazareth Farm with Scott and Sam...very last-minute like, even for my tastes, but hey, better late than never.  But it was a worthwhile, brilliant experience, to say the least, which will continue to shine in my memory for some time...and I'm thankful that I agreed to travel 14 hours x 2 with two smelly boys in a toaster on wheels. 

By the way, Google maps is very misleading.

                   
The blue box outside ^this^ building does not equal to ^this^...at all...just in case you were wondering.

Hey, not all Route Boxes are at the post office, I speak from personal mailbox experience (not as a mail order bride but as a prior farm girl.  Yes, I used to live on a farm, but you probably didn't know that, but one learns something new everyday, right?)

Back on the farm/near it...there is something downright mystical about those mountains and the people who reside there.  They are not separated by walls; in fact, many of them share them without limit.  I loved not living by the watch and knowing that I had seized every moment of every day...working to keep my eyes and heart open.  I spent the week working on accepting where I am now in life and realizing with appreciation that each of us has our gifts--perhaps ones which weren't expected to shine above others--but gifts which we must choose whether or not share (in careers, in life, in everything), no less.  It was also interesting to go there after having experienced so many "faith changes" since my last "mission trip," which seems like a lifetime ago.  Most of the time, I forgot the farm even had a Catholic orientation.  Most of the time, really, it was just about living and embracing life and enjoying time spent with people talking about nothing in particular--whether staff members, old friends, community members or fellow volunteers. 

It was all very refreshing, and very much needed, minus the extreme amount of farting which took place in the aforementioned toaster vehicle.  I also drove across almost two states myself on the way to West Virginia (poorly and nervously, but still successfully), put up siding, demolished/help repair multiple roofs (having never really been on a house roof before...), built a wheelchair ramp, was attacked by a wasp/bee/spider on the ear multiple times during slumber (true story--ear tripled in side and I looked like a friggin' grandpa), helped rebuild a fuse box, saw a litter or kittens be born, climbed a mountain, and had the best grilled cheese of my life...all of which were super exciting events (you can imagine).  By the way, if you're ever needing your roof repaired, I'm more about the "tearing down" part than actually building it.  We never really got that part at my particular sites. 

Weatherproofing really is overrated.  I mean, just get yourself a HUGE AND REALLY GOOD tarp, and hold it down with a broom during a thunderstorm!  It's all you need.

(And you thought I was exaggerating!)

*************************************************************

Landmark #3:  Squirt's--I mean Abby's High School Graduation (Central High -- May 25, 2008)

The very next day after the 14-whatever-hour drive was occupied joyously by Abby's high school graduation.  She made us proud and her open house was extremely enjoyable.  I finally got to see our new family photo from Abby's Cotillion Ball framed on the wall, and it'd definitely my favorite family picture we've taken over the years, and probably for years to come.  You could actually tell we were all present for once...at the same time, no less.

Granted, it's a lot better than the photo above.  But you probably don't believe that.

Then again, Abby's expression is pretty timeless...

(if you come from a clown family).

*************************************************************

I, of course, do not hail from a clown family, despite what the following picture suggests.  I was merely (almost) assaulted by a team mascot...again.

Landmark #4:  My date with Sparty

a.k.a. Team Booklet Evaluation for the FPSPI Conference (East Lansing, MI -- May 28 - June 1, 2008)

A few days after said graduation, it was time for me to fly to Detroit, taking a bus from there to East Lansing, Michigan.  As a second-year International Conference booklet evaluator for FPSPI, I wasn't nearly so nervous, but I did succeed at being one of THE hardest/yet constructive evaluators in the program.  (Then again, this wasn't necessarily a good thing, because a good chunk of us...over half...were called into a special meeting to show us how to be more flexible, whoops.  Don't worry, I promptly went up to JFite's room afterward.  After all, as my prior coach, she technically "bred" me to be a hard evaluator, hehe.)  At least I was always constructive and supportive with my comments, but I still wanted to cry a little bit in giving some points this time around when our state wouldn't otherwise, but I supposed I can throw the kids a bone (or a Spartan spear...jk) once in a while.  In a way, it sort of reminded me of the way national and state governments differ, and I know things are done the way they are for reasons.  Each state has different expectations and preparation levels, and thus, I at least liked that the everyone works to try to align their ways as much as possible for the International Conference, whether or not people grumbled or smiled in the process.

They let me use a key to a hotel room fully stocked with goodies (read:  SUN CHIPS); therefore, I was a happy camper, either way.

Sigh, there will always need to be changes to the system, but it has grown for the better in a lot of ways, which is good.  I hope we get to move to digitizing eventually, as I think we'd be able to meet the kids on a whole different level.  Overall, it was a fantastic conference--the kids all had a great time; reunited with some fantastic evaluators (Ruth, 87 or 88 now I think? is fantastic); AND got to meet up for ice cream with my elementary through high school friend, Alli!! 

Ruth, the oldest and most hilarious evaluator pretty much rocks my socks and I absolutely treasure our conversations over the past two years.  (By the way, that's her pictured ^above^, after having won the costume contest at the Affiliate Director/Evaluator Dinner at IC.  That would be weird if this was Alli, because that would make me some freak of nature given my teenage-esque looks.  Ruth used to say that she was 48 but that she was also told that she was dyslexic...and told her great-granddaughter that she got an "F" in sex according to her drivers license.)  Anyway, hopefully I'll get to go back again--one of my favorite points of the year, if anything, to bounce stories around with Ruth again. 

*************************************************************

Landmark #5:  Visit #11 to SW Florida (Bonita Spring, FL -- June 1 - 14, 2008)

But I couldn't stay laughing about the decades long and passed for long, as you can see from the billowing window shot with my mother above...not many hours later, but many states away.

Believe it or not, from there, I flew straight from Michigan to Florida...for two additional weeks (imagine that suitcase!).  The family + Alex (Abby's boyfriend) were already there enjoying the sun, but it was great to jump in.  (I needed a vacation after playing IC evaluator!  Talk about a marathon of booklet grading.)  Throughout the two weeks, I saw:  territorial mockingbirds had moved beach-side (entertaining & extraordinary to see the changes in wildlife and environment over the years), sea hawks, and a wild flamingo (minus the pink); chilled with a wild tortoise on a bike ride to Barefoot Beach; saw dolphins on three separate occasions (twice on evening walks with Scott when he came to visit for a weekend) and two manatees...plus a rainbow and some EXTREME thunderstorms.  While the flooding had sadly hit the Midwest with a vengeance, we had incredible storms to watch in the southwest Florida.  (I like to go outside on he porch to watch the storms and read whenever I can.  During one storm, my arm hair stood on end TWICE from the electricity...yikes.)  All in all, a fantastically relaxing trip.  Spent most of the time reading The Fountainhead, which projected an even far more interesting light on the sojourn.  We sadly were not able to reschedule the trip so that we were able to make Adam and Bess' wedding (going to have to miss my Cousin Matt's as well as Michelle L.'s weddings this coming Saturday with Girls State obligations), but we were thankfully able to at least get back for Laura D. and Koz's wedding this past Saturday.

However, when various sad things happened (i.e. Landmark #6 below), we turned to our drug of choice:



For the record, if you ever need some good blackmail for your family members, have them play this game, preferably while savoring a glass of wine.  Then save the answers and quote them out of context, just like the smutty newspapers.  Works every time.

(We're not talking libel, however, because that's unethical.)

*************************************************************

Landmark #6:  Aunt Ellie's passing (officially in Washington, D.C., but we were still in Florida -- June 2, 2008)

The true saddening point to the trip, however, all kidding aside, was getting news that my dear great-aunt (Ellie) passed away.  She was the wife of my great-uncle/Godfather (Mel) of Washington, D.C. and pretty much one of the most fantastic women I have ever known.  It doesn't take even reading much of her obituary to know that:

Segment from article published in The Washington Post on 6/5/2008

"...Eleanor is a retired Associate Professor of the National Catholic School of Social Service at The Catholic University of America. Since 1998, as Associate Chaplain at the District of Columbia Detention Facility, she has given direct service weekly to inmates at the DC Jail. Dr. Judah's social work practice experience in Pittsburgh, Washington, Hartford and Birmingham, England, includes direct practice, supervision, field instruction and consultation, primarily in services to families and child placement. As a Fulbright Scholar at the University of Birmingham, she researched policy and services to homeless and multi-problem families in a welfare state. Dr. Judah's professional publications appear in Social Casework, the Journal of Social Work Education, Social Thought, Charities USA and Social Work (British)..."

Though she had battled cancer and was in remission, her immune system was left week and she died upon developing (and not recovering from) a microplasmic bacterial infection, if memory serves me correctly.  Her graveside burial service is to take place this coming Tuesday in St. Joseph...except I'll be at Girls State by then.  (Because Mel wanted Ellie buried in Missouri, he didn't want our families to travel to D.C. for the actual funeral.)  If I can arrange for my assistant counselor (if I have one), I'm going to try to get away for it--just to be there for Uncle Mel, if anything.  His plans are to move back to St. Joseph now, after selling their beautiful condo on the Potomac, since my grandfather's three children (Dad, Uncle Charlie and Aunt Ann and their kids) are his only real relatives left, aside from his brother's family in Galveston.  It will be nice to have him around again, but I know losing Aunt Ellie was and will continue to be rough for him for a while.  They were best friends and didn't meet until they were in their 50s; thus, they had no children.  I can't wait to give him a big hug (and enjoy a traditional "old fashion" drink with him, his daily tradition with Aunt Ellie, so adorable). 

^This^ was the last time I saw Aunt Ellie--before days of her cancer. 
(After it all began, she no longer made the travels to Missouri with Uncle Mel,
and the last time this year when she returned, I was unable to get away from school.)
Ellie is the one to my my left, and Uncle Mel is right next to her. 
She will definitely be missed, but I'm grateful to have known her.
Bless you, Aunt Ellie.

My favorite quote from Aunt Ellie?

If I could pick simply one, it would have to be the story about when she and her friends got lectured by the nuns in college for mingling with military boys on the train (during the war...at NIGHT, no less!).  Okay, the quote really derives from a particular nun, but was perpetuated by Aunt Ellie enough to become hers:  "Don't let your lips be a well-traveled highway, ladies."  She made sure to mention that it was her friend that was actually in trouble for the well-traveled highway part.

*************************************************************

Landmark #7:  Witnessing my first Jewish (/Episcopalian) wedding

On a brighter note, Koz and Laura's wedding was pretty much SPECTACULAR.  I'm surprised I had energy for it after waking up at 3am CST (4am EST).

Watching all three of his brother tear up out of respect while toasting him was one of the most inspirational instances I have ever witnessed, seriously.  I wish people would tear up talking about me...but I don't want it to be because I smell or something, because that would kinda suck.  The brotherhood was losing a brother--err, gaining a sister, which just makes the brotherhood co-ed, and that just means that all will forever be changed (thankfully, in a good/happy way!).

I still remember the blind date Koz set up me on (doubling with him and Laura) back during my freshman year of college, and how hilarious the two of them were togehter...and here, 5 years later, they're married!  They both seem so mature (more mature than me though? Bah!), and I know they'll go far.  Some of the neatest families I know.  But yeah, look at that Hora (chair dance) ^above^!!!  I wish I could marry a Jewish boy, because they know how to celebrate weddings the right way!  I have never seen so many people stay around until 11pm at a reception before, and everyone was having a genuinely fabulous time!  Even my father danced, and that's saying a lot (I love you, Dad!).

*************************************************************

Landmarks #8, 9, 10, 11, 12 (starting now and still to come):  Working...Abby turns 18 (Friday!)...Missouri Girls State...OLOG praise band returns!...and moving.

So...now, here I am (with the exception of playing counselor next week at Girls State), in St. Joe for the brunt of the rest of the summer.  Due to fact that our music minister at our home parish stepped down (I'd almost apply for the position if I didn't have more school left...), I'll be stepping in to help with 11am Mass music for the praise & worship band I founded a few years back (still remains to be a summer thing, but that's all right...people seem to be supportive of it this year, so we'll see where it goes--back to being the guitar/singer lady).  Also, gots to make them dollars, since I may or may not be doing my M.A.E. internship in the Spring (and if I do, it would mean without pay).  Thus, decided to get out of grad classes and take them in the Fall after a magic switching of scheduled classes (and a few begging emails), which means no Kirksville summer for me.  However, since the roommate got herself a job in CoMO and we weren't able to fill the apartment as was originally planned, it looks like I'll be packing my belonging up (again...man, I'll miss this apartment...), and at least see my K-ville peeps for at least a hug or handshake, so that's better than nothing.

Leases and money and that stuff does weird/interesting/non-preferable things to people, if I've never stated it before.  I'm not always a fan.

So upon that novel, perhaps it's suffice to say that I'm grateful to keep my head on the same pillow for a while, even though this particular mattress is not my most favorite mattress in the world.  And my room needs so major floor cleaning interference.  And I'm allergic to my house...or something in it, but it's so not Sabrina the cat, because she's too pretty to be allergic to. 

Whelp, that's all for now.  Props to any who took it upon themselves to read through the escapades.  Hope you're all doing well.

Date:	2008-04-30 20:50
Subject:	Can't take it in...
Security:	Public
Mood:	chipper

Currently Reading The Contract with God Trilogy: Life on Dropsie Avenue (A Contract With God, A Life Force, Dropsie Avenue) By Will Eisner see related

I feel like life suddenly got 10 times more manageable...for no reason in particular other than mere perspective.

The sun really does make the world a little brighter...on all fronts, as does checking things off the list, one by one.



Folks, the end (of the school year) is nigh.  Must take it all in stride from here on out, savoring it all the while.

Date:	2008-04-30 00:19
Subject:	Stretched Out.
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless

So easy it is to incorporate what one does or has accomplished into whom one sees him or herself to be.  And, in turn, so easy it is for failure to detract from the same self-perception.  However, what the one in this trap often forgets is that, once this game of scale-tipping is over and the self has moved on to a new front, the aforementioned values are of little to no consequence.  While legacies may or may not live on, it is the character formed which continues to the next stage.  Actions, once done, merely lead to other actions and steps not taken are still left undone or happened upon by others along the way. 

As a society so focused on building resumes and respect, it is completely understandable (if not expected) that we come to give such credence to accomplishments (whether or not they are shrouded by a veil of humbleness). 
In the academic world, especially in a more rigorous environment of the "highly selective liberal arts university," professors build up students and instill confidence in the gifts they bring to the world.  And I think that is perfectly wonderful.  However, this praise, at times, can get to be overshadowed by apparent inflation from one's familiar circle, especially when it comes time to move out into the real world.  It's a lesson we learn coming from high school, and again one we learn coming from college--especially institutions which consider themselves to hold some amount prestige.

This isn't to demean the sorts of activities in which students might participate or the various awards or points of recognition one might earn, but I think it's something to keep in perspective, myself included.  Within the world of academia, these points bring clout, but in the real world, experience seems to be the real ticket.  You want to know one of my biggest fears?  That in my strivings to be a well-rounded human being in the educational/etc. sense, I cut myself off from actual positions because I haven't plugged my theories into enough experiences applicable to the real world.  Granted, I try to keep a balance, but there is some bit of truth in wondering if continuing oodles of education might make one seem to be overqualified for a position that is actually quite ideal (say...the extreme example of a person holding their doctorate wanting to be an average Joe high school teacher).  Just something I think about.

With graduation coming up and the acquisition of my various "honor cords" from honor organizations, I find myself taking up these bands of colors and handing off not only responsibility but a bit of my "identity" as well--or at least, what I have crafted to be my identity.  And while my more time-consuming/current activities don't provide "honors" in the academic sense, I find stepping down from these various positions to be quite a struggle for me.  Take Newman for instance (and granted, I did a lot more in the past three years than I did this year...since there wasn't always much more to do than "advise"/aka chuck in an opinion here or there based on past approaches, and I'm pretty sure that was only needed in the first semester):  I've gone from leading the co-ed fellowship group for two years to leading the praise band and running all sorts of large-scale events (from Freshman Week to Newman Week and everything in between) to "advising" or whatever...and now, basically nothing for next year as a grad student.  It's just weird.  I know it's how it goes, but honestly, it was a lot harder to hand off all these things than I thought it would be.  Newman became such a large part of me and since I've been a little older and a little busier, it became harder and harder for me to be able to connect so much, but I figure that's natural.  But it's time to pass off the baton.

No longer in real position of leadership for next year, having been an officer at some point in more organizations than I care to count, I often now look in the mirror, struggling to truly see my next step in life and who I "really" am, and just wonder what God has in store for me next.  (And, believe me, I feel really silly wondering about this, as I know how people at Truman see me or people at Newman see me isn't "who" I am by definition.)  For now, all I have is seeing through my goals, one by one, and just hoping and praying that one or more of them carry me through to the next phase.  I have faith it'll all work out in the end.

This past Sunday at Mass, Fr. Bill spoke of the pain of endings and new beginnings.  How can I stretch myself to grow when I feel like I've been "stretched out" in so many directions??  Perhaps this summer will be a chance for me to grow into my new shape and size--to take the elasticity of my hope and experiences and see where what form they take next.

To be honest, I'm ready to be through with Kirksville, but I'm going to see through at least part of what I've started in terms of graduate explorations (the rest, God only knows).  I've gotten to the point where I have so many nice acquaintances, and a rather large chunk of people I wish to spend much more time with than I have, but I let myself get stressed and consumed by what I thought I was meant to do this year (which had elements of being the right and wrong choice written all over it), and let a lot of my friendships slide...friendships I had come to really enjoy as of the Fall, etc.  And perhaps this was for a reason, but I know I should at least savor what time is left--especially with the peers that will be leaving soon.  To be honest, I am a little afraid of what next year will be like, with most of my closest friends spreading out across the map (but thank goodness, a small chunk of that category will still remain). 

I tell ya, I can get so caught up in small points of the present and large concerns of the future--need to grasp that balance.  In retrospect, I'm sure I learned a lot from this year, but at the moment, I'm not seeing a lot of the fruits.  In time, however, I'm sure many of the lessons will spring forth, as I know they are there.  Perhaps my perception is just clouded or stretched to a point which is skewed, so an early June visit to Florida surely won't hurt too terribly much.  I have a feeling that my mind could definitely use a bit of a break though, for if my dreams are any indication of my mind's current state, my life is in definite search of some clear paths or guidelines.  Ironically, Im not one that likes following a path; instead I create my own.  So perhaps when it comes to disappointment, I should take it as a challenge.  Where there is a will, there is a way, so they say...and so long as I believe and persevere, I know I'm bound to stumble upon fulfillment in time.  For now, however, I think theres enough opportunities for grace, challenge and growth around me.

Enough randomness for one night...back to work.

Currently Watching Good Will Hunting (Miramax Collector's Series) By Robin Williams, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Stellan Skarsgård, Minnie Driver see related

I've decided (as of TONIGHT) that, for now, I want to...*drum-roll please*....teach gifted.

And by that, I mean teach gifted ASAP--whatever level which speaks to me first (any and all sound fabulous).

To clarify, I may or may not make next year my last year in K-ville, depending on how my instincts are running over the next few weeks or months.  And I think I'm okay with that.  I think gifted is actually pretty perfect, complex enough to keep me engaged, and simple enough to get me working before I'm 30, but we'll see.  Nothing is set in stone, but I like the feeling I had when the lightning bolt hit me tonight.  Between getting invited back to FPS Internationals to evaluate, not getting the GTRA as of now (*shrug*), working the FPS State Bowl with more finesse than prior years (aka feeling more at home, in control of time and my work), having a good talk with Fr. Bill today and giving a presentation on gifted tonight...it just...feels right.  We'll see how it goes from here.  I still want another Masters, but I'm praying about it for the time being if now is the time and place for it.  I know it will work out for the best, so long as I keep moving and striving with my all...and keeping my outlook towards life in check.

Rising from the ashes, woo.

"We do not walk alone, it is God who is in charge of this journey of ours." --Sr. Denise Descoteaux

Date:	2008-04-13 17:23
Subject:	Take the Simper Road? (Forgive the Sweeping Generalization)
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	Add 9's new CD

Currently Watching If Only By Jennifer Love Hewitt, Paul Nicholls, Tom Wilkinson, Diana Hardcastle, Lucy Davenport see related

What is it about humanity that makes us seek refuge in complication?  Comfort in things not straight-forward?  Strength through solving puzzles to which the answers are not revealed without effort?  Excitement in never standing still--always another challenge left to unravel, always something else requiring our efforts, worry, time, focus?

And yet, in the end, we still wonder why our lives remain unsatisfied.

By very definition, solitude derives not from complication, confusion, constant movement or change.  Nor does safety.  But these things are necessary in moderation, the impractical parts of an irrational world, and many, myself included, tend to crave them.  Even with as much as we scoff in the name of social, mental or emotional entanglements...we still find ourselves tossed right in the middle of them all.  It is as if they gravitate in our direction, and perhaps they do.  And so long as there is something visibly or imaginably imperfect in the world around us, there appears to be no need to address what is within, to not only point out what needs improvement, but to embrace that which is going right with the world.

Then, one day, when the shadows fade--when the clouds dissipate from all that was the bane of prior existence as we knew it--we realize.  Realize how much devotion was directed to nursing the world back to health (whether our own or another's).  Realize that no matter how much energy we expend, some part of the world (whether our own or another's) will still be hurting.  Realize that we are not superheroes as individuals without support.  And that negatives cannot only fog our perceptions of the truth, but can eat away at the perceptions of positives, too.  That the empty space left behind was either crafted, a product of our imaginary diggings, or easily filled again by light, hope, and the sorts of love that don't go away.  That, when we are filled up once more, we'll only dive back into the struggle, working to save, but knowing that the same and more lessons will be learned again.  And that, sometimes, we ourselves are in need of being saved (from the struggle or from ourselves).

This "world"--this "view"--I describe is certainly not that of the population in its entirety.  Surely, that would be a most ridiculous assertion.  But it is (at least part of) the world for those whom declare in their battle cry empathy, truth, idealism, change, growth...even cynicism, manipulation, stubbornness, conservation.  A world inhabited by myself, and, perhaps, more than we are even willing to believe.

It's a cycle in which I live each and every day.  A cycle I constantly work to break but know is well-engraved into my operations, my perceptions, my strategies.  And perhaps, while some cycles are meant to be broken, there is something to be said of this way in which we either aim to rescue or stay as far away from the dramas of our world, yet embrace them on the screen, in our dreams, in our hearts.  It's connection--whether it's "real" or "crafted" (even if there is a difference)--and it's something I call my curse and my blessing all the same.

But one thing I know for sure--every time I wake up to resolution, it teaches me what I've valued, what I've allowed to dissolve, and makes me ponder about what I shall do next.  If it's not one thing that must be fixed, then another?  Perhaps, if not certainly, at least in my world.  Yet I argue that the reasons go much deeper that self-formed mind puzzles to walls and worries from past trends around us...that once I know all will be well, I do truly know it.  And I embrace it entirely, letting nothing touch it as if immortalized.

While I can't say I'd ever take the easy road, I know the complicated one makes simplicity all the sweeter.  And perhaps that is enough.  Perhaps it's enough that I'm walking it.  Solitude without direction merely leads to stagnancy, after all.

Date:	2008-04-03 22:33
Subject:	Walkin' in Sunshine
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy
Music:	Coldplay - The Scientist (because Sweet Nothings has been singing it non-stop)

Currently Reading
Palestine: The Special Edition
By Joe Sacco



As of last week, I was officially accepted by both of Truman's grad programs to which I applied, so yay for classes I'm taking actually counting, eh?  Finishing both degrees would mean two more years in Kirksville after this one...with the internship on top of it.  It's going to be a lot of work, but hey, that's how I roll, I suppose.  Yesterday, I watched a grad student friend defend his masters thesis for the English M.A. (the program I was just accepted into), and watching him actually made me feel excited to get started on some work of my own.  It left me with a good feeling.  I'm ready to get back into some research, since I'm not on any times anymore (just found out though that a project I worked on last year with the I/O Psych team got accepted to MPA though, so that's cool).  There are a few gifted things in the work if English stuff doesn't work out.

Speaking of...I still haven't heard about the GTRA (assistantship).  As of now, I'm just not going to worry about it.  The decision is probably already made, but I probably won't find out until the end of the month.  I'm just lifting it up and feel like I'm more so ready to accept whatever is supposed to happen.  I have a couple of plans in the works either way.

I've been thinking a lot about my writing lately, as well as my life patterns.  And, boy, are there trends and points of confusion.  But it's the only way I really grow, so I accept that.

Yesterday, I finally took some time to clean the whole apartment, then spent some time with my senior Newman ladies (very relaxing).  I tell ya,  it's just been really refreshing to feel almost on top of things...or at least like I'm taking care of myself and of business.  Still a couple more things to knock out, but I can get there.  The light is at the end of the tunnel.  In a little over a month, I'll officially be getting those two degrees, which I suppose is a little exciting...though a little anti-climatic, since I really finished them last year...but hey, still something to celebrate!

Hope you all are doing well!

Date:	2008-03-27 11:28
Subject:	Yeah...
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

Headaches (sinus or otherwise) = a biznitch

Just for the record.

Especially when it looks like it's going to make one miss a class to which he or she has really been looking forward.  But when one's equilibrium is thrown off and he or she just feels like they could toss your brownies any second as a result, it does make one wonder about what the priorities should really be.  Also, there is still something in my house back home that makes me like this almost every time I visit--I don't know what it is, but I dread being there for over two months this summer.  I'm fine everywhere else but there, and my parents have done everything there but rip out the damn carpet.

Speaking of brownies, I whipped up a pan yesterday evening that I've been dying to try, whereby I melted Ghiradelli's dark chocolate with white mint filling + peppermint-filled chocolate sticks in a fun pattern (well enough to account for not having 7, not 9 dark chocolate pieces).  Quite tasty.

--Edit--
Ended up not missing that class, but still had to miss another, lol.

Date:	2008-03-25 21:25
Subject:	Perception is everything.
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful

Currently Listening All That You Can't Leave Behind By U2 Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out of

I don't hold a subscription to any sort of satellite radio, but my random radio rations on Friday seemed to fit recent events in my life almost to the "T."  Was God trying to tell me something, or just giving me the words to say that I didn't quite have before?  Because it was too consecutively coincidental than I could have imagined.

Then again, so are fortune cookies.

Unless you get one of the lousy ones--the ones in which you know the writer had reached the point of enough fen jui for one night.

Date:	2008-03-19 20:50
Subject:	"And all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well." -Julian of Norwich
Security:	Public
Mood:	relieved
Music:	Foo Fighters - Everlong

Currently Reading Understanding Comics: The Invisible Art By Scott McCloud

I have learned as of late that my greatest fear isn't "being alone" (in fact, I often like to have some quiet time, and I know I'll never "be alone" in the completely absent sense).

My fear comes out of disappointing others and disappointing myself. And it manifests itself in the form of pride, stubbornness, self-doubt, taking things personally, and so on and so forth.

I should really get to working on that, as truly, my entire mood can be altered by the mere thought of disappointing someone, let alone an entire group of someones.

It all reminds me that we really can't be perfect, but just because we know we're not doesn't give the excuse to throw in the towel. One can't go through life making everyone happy, but if people truly accept us for who we are and how much care we put into what we do, it should hardly matter.

I hit a point last night (after having to miss a cappella rehearsal again) in which I composed the following. Words just keep flowing out of me these days, which is a good thing when one is a writer. And I'm finally getting to the place where I don't immediately censor my thoughts, but let them flow as they may. This is what came out last night, circa 2:30am: